Of what? of grief. Yeah yeah, you're all sick of stupid personal whining journals, suck it up. (i might as well write if i dont upload anything ha?)


"And then, there were FIVE"...

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression

and AGAIN...last but not least
5. Acceptance

lately it seems like these stages are all mixed up for me, especially in these journals...i get to see the ups and downs in my own "writing".

i guess 4 down

1 to go...

yippy.

A.K.A " I can't believe that I endured you for as long as I did" /"I just *didn't* call to say I love you":

People can have it all from someone
and not appreciate it
and then, they lose it and some more
I used to love a man
Adore a man
Every-single-thing-about him – his words, voice, smell, looks ,laugh, sense of humor, talent, weird hobbies, musical taste, friends, family, decisions, choices in life, lies… games…betrayal.. disappointment, abandonment…..

One day (even a few days in a row) it "hit" me (better late than never), I could actually SEE, it was like clear blue skies revealed after a LONG..COLD..HARSH..DARK..storm.

I gave my all, emotionally and physically – and got nothing,
I was in a "true romance" who included me, myself, and the concept I built myself for the man I loved – who matched it, in maybe 4% out of 100% (love is funny like that).

Everything I thought of him is now nothing. A bunch of lies I can no longer believe they have a shred of truth, or ever had…

I was blind and had "everything"….. it was just *every* illusion I could get my hands on regarding him, and believe in.

So now, perhaps I have "nothing" – but it feels like EVERYTHING.
I have my self, my true self who I'm in peace with, and I'm surrounded with people who LOVE me, RESPECT me, that will never throw EMPTY WORDS at me and know what it means to have me as a friend, or a lover.

I will never regret the fact I'm that type who is fully committed to love and demand what I give, right back at me.
I will never change it
and last, but certainly not least, I will never let anyone let me feel less for being much more, just cause he can't handle it, out of personal, egoistic reasons, and lack of confidence.

Games (in matters of the heart) are for kids…
or immature adults.

You just ran out of emotional AMMO

GAME OVER
(I am finally free)

Well, it's not a good day...that's all i can really say...here is an open letter..but dedicated to one person only, i have to get it off my chest so dont call me an over-emotional-girl (besides the fact that i truly am).

This will probably be the last emotional thing that will be written here so embrace it and accept it, all of you watchers. this is a one time thing.

It's funny how we love someone who can't/won't love us back, while on the same time we can't love someone else back, who loves us so much...
a vicious circle of love, where no one is gaining anything but pain.

how can you change someone's state of heart?
what can i do to change your mind?


I wonder if we will ever meet again...
I was hoping/longing for one last kiss. I was hoping you'll keep your 2 months ago (probably unmemorable by you) promise for giving us a second chance once you're here again,
but...people change their minds..

Maybe youll change it again some day, and hopefully not too late.

I want you to know I think you're incredible,for bad and for worse... that's why i was holding on so tight all this time....


Here's a U2 song..dedicated..to you, i kind of feel like it fits these days, it sounds a bit negative, but it really isn't...

I'm hurt, i'm angry, i'm the weakest link, i think you're blind, i hate u, i love u, and at last..but not least,

i miss you.
(this will eventually be just a distant memory of a broken hearted journal entry)



We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me
We're cut adrift
We're still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass RIGHT through you like a ghost
They look for you, but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere

Oh...love...
You say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

Desparation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

Oh...love...
You say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else
Oh love, like a screaming flower
Love...dying every hour...love

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

Oh...love... You say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...
Sweetheart,
You're so cruel

Oh...love...
To stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

Here is my new user, I had problems with the old one, so at last i decided that "no more" ! and, got myself a new one..

so, im starting over...

i'll upload everything that was here later (oh, so "many" deviants)

bahbye